my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
