I am in a vortex of obligation.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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