Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
