Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
