dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
