it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
