at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
