You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
