barbara walters just said penis...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
