I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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