Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
