I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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