and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
