i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
