I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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