what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
