if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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