Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
