he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
