so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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