I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
