I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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