dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
