when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
