Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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