OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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