I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
