STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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