Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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