the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
