I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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