I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
