Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
