I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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