Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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