Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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