i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
