this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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