Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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