Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
