What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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