You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
