everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
