I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
