I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
