god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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