I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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