either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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