My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
