Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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