I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
